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Thursday, December 24, 2015

terfikir

kadang aku terfikir, kenapa dia sanggup stay dengan aku,
sebab sayang atau rasa bersalah
sebab ikhlas atau terpaksa

andai kata aku ditakdirkan pergi dulu, apa reaksi dia,
rasa sedih ka happy
rasa kecewa ka lega
rasa kehilangan ka hilang beban

bukan aku nak jiwang, cuma terkadang aku hairan
mengapa masih bertahan sedang ramai lebih menawan

ikhlas aku kata kan
aku bersyukur masih diberi perhatian
walau agak berkurangan
namun masih punya harapan

terima kasih aku ucapkan
semoga kita bertahan
menempuh segala halangan

Sunday, December 20, 2015

Fasa P.E.M.U.L.I.H.A.N

PEMULIHAN 

 kami masih dalam fasa pemulihan. since hari kejadian perkara tersebut, which is sebulan berlalu. benda ni masih belum setel. herhhh its tough -- tipu lah kalau cakap tak pernah terfikir nak give up kan. especially bila dia ckp dia dah tawaq hati. feeling tu allah ja tau. yelah bayang kan, since dari hari kejadian, ofkos i took some effor nak pulih kan everything, but everything doesnt seem to work out. till one night we take time to talk again about it. and that night is the night that scares me to death. as im scared that he actually going to say he cant pretend to stay with me anymore. we were on skype when we discuss bout it.  

it 2 december 2015 the date that we discuss 

[02-Dec-2015 10:14:45 PM] sam__mad: abg rsa mngkin abg dah start tawaq hati
[02-Dec-2015 10:15:05 PM] sam__mad: tapi abg syg ayg...  

[02-Dec-2015 10:17:56 PM] sam__mad: hm...1.abg dah kurang percya kat ayg
[02-Dec-2015 10:18:29 PM] sam__mad: 2. abg mls nak pikiaq dah masa depan
[02-Dec-2015 10:18:37 PM] sam__mad: abg follow the flow
[02-Dec-2015 10:19:01 PM] sam__mad: 3. nak wat bnda pnting shja
[02-Dec-2015 10:19:13 PM] sam__mad: 4.nak manage diri abg
[02-Dec-2015 10:19:19 PM] sam__mad: kalau ayg nak abg
[02-Dec-2015 10:19:23 PM] sam__mad: wat cranak
[02-Dec-2015 10:19:27 PM] sam__mad: xmau wat cra xmau
[02-Dec-2015 10:19:34 PM] sam__mad: simple
[02-Dec-2015 10:20:06 PM] sam__mad: yg tu atas ayg
[02-Dec-2015 10:20:14 PM] sam__mad: so kalau dah smple sng wat
[02-Dec-2015 10:20:37 PM] sam__mad: kalau abg bleh wat ayg pon bleh
[02-Dec-2015 10:20:48 PM] sam__mad: it seem abg dah bg kbbsan n ayg salah guna
[02-Dec-2015 10:21:08 PM] sam__mad: abg rsa pasai kat ayg la nak wat apa pon
[02-Dec-2015 10:21:17 PM] sam__mad: abg bkn jenis kongkong
[02-Dec-2015 10:21:39 PM] sam__mad: kongkong abg pda hak mutlak abg
[02-Dec-2015 10:22:03 PM] sam__mad: n abg rsa lps kes tu kita dah renggang
[02-Dec-2015 10:22:35 PM] sam__mad: abg xnmpak effort ayg yg sungghu nak pulihkn trust abg
[02-Dec-2015 10:22:51 PM] sam__mad: wlaupon ada effort
[02-Dec-2015 10:23:04 PM] sam__mad: tp bnda kprcyaan mmg bsaq skit
[02-Dec-2015 10:23:13 PM] sam__mad: ayg sndri akui
[02-Dec-2015 10:23:14 PM] sam__mad: sshkn
[02-Dec-2015 10:23:28 PM] sam__mad: tp manusia kan smua wat silap
[02-Dec-2015 10:23:34 PM] sam__mad: then rengang n rengang
[02-Dec-2015 10:23:40 PM] sam__mad: n i feel empty
[02-Dec-2015 10:24:03 PM] sam__mad: but i can manage it with sleeping each day n play game
[02-Dec-2015 10:24:31 PM] sam__mad: abg dah start tawaq hati syg  



as i read what he wrote, i was in shock. yelahs apa tak terkejut. dia siap mention dengan jelas yg dia dah tawaq hati. rasa takut masa tu allah ja tau. takut di tinggalkan mcm tu ja.masa tu siap pikaq, betul ka dia masih bertahan sebab sayang, ka sebab lain. kalau ikut kanmasa tu nak ja kata, kalau dah tak suka jangan paksa diri. buat apa yg patut asalkan bahagia. tapi bila pikiaq balik nanti aku yg merana. sor i decide to console him. slowly. then we talk until we manage to be happy again.

then this week i was quite busy. like really busy. i cant text him as much as i do. i guess that what make he feel lonely again, then he posted on his wechat moments' that the gap return. allah hu rabbi, my heart was crushed. how could he say dat. i havent go out for like 3 week because of him. i shut my self from my friend who i always go out with. then after 3 week we just go out for 1 night to celebrate last day of class this sem, and since that day we dont feel like we used to. dah tak mesra mcm selalu. takrasa feeling kasih sayang tu salah every text. 

lately ni bila ckp pasal married, engagement, dia kata tak rasa mcm terlalu awal ka, kita go on ikut flow ja. that shocked me the most as he is the one who said that he want babies, he want to be with me and so on. but when i started to tell him the plan he say just follow the flow. duhhh mana ada flow nya kalau tak plan. rasa mcm syiok seniri. lastly skrg ni sampai i rasa nak biaq ja. takmau plan apapa. biaq kat dia, kalau dia betul2 serious nak suh dia pi ckp seniri dgn parent i.

tapi takleh blah pasal gap feeling ni. mana tak rasa gap nya. dah kalau aku ja asyik kena wish morning. kalau malam, asal dia ngantuk ja nak tidoq. abeh yg aku selama ni dok tahan mata tunggu dia segala tu apa. aku ckp aku rindu pun dh mcm takdak makna ja. respon tak eksaited pun. kdg2 rasa mcm aku ni ja dok syiok seniri dlm hubungan ni.

emm i guess it started again, i have to take more effort. i have to keep it up. may allah give me strength. wuuuu fighting hanis
 

Wednesday, December 2, 2015

GAP

i feel like there a gap between us. since the day that you mad at me. there is always a gap. 
the words you throw at me. its hurting me.

 i  admit i hurt you first. but you keep mentioning it. it hurt me every time.  
every single time you remind me to it. it hurt me inside.

i feel like all those effort i did to win your heart back are useless. i feel like you purposely remind me of it to tell me that you wont forget what i did to you. 

will you let it go. i admit it was my fault. please just let it go. and let me keep showing you my effort. its been few times you said to me if i couldnt handle it i can give up

dayummm, are you crazy? after these 4 damn years then you want me to give up?? after what we've been thru then you want me to give up?? after what we did you want to give up??
if i want to give up i can do it long before
 
others than my family, you are the reason why i keep shine everyday i wake up. but now i lost it. i couldnt shine as i was before
 
wow, never realized you had a great effect  in my life.